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A Party With A Cause

Kids like to have parties. Birthday parties, slumber parties, movie parties…you name it. Recently our family has been having parties with a cause in mind.

It was an idea I found somewhere online that I worked into our schedule when we used an advent calendar to do good deeds every day leading up to Christmas (you can read about that here and here). I've tried to duplicate my search to give credit for the concept, but I went to so many sites looking for good deeds… So thank you random stranger for this idea!

After the Holidays, I realized I could re-fit this idea into a Valentine's Day house party for Oregon's Freedom to Marry campaign. Papa-Bug and I want to be doing what we can to support the campaign as well as helping our kids learn about equality and justice. And this was both perfect and a good excuse to make lots of cookies.


On to logistics.

Choose a cause to support. We chose Meals On Wheels during the Holidays; the kids and I made a list of local places that needed support and they chose the one that felt like it would make the most people feel Chritmasy.

Plan your party and invite friends. Ask the kids coming to bring at least $5 to donate to the cause you have selected.

Choose a movie that fits the theme of your party. Raising money for the humane shelter? Because of Winn-Dixie or Lady and the Tramp. The Family Homeless Shelter or an Adoption/Foster Organization? Little Orphan Annie or Curly Sue. You might have to be creative with your selection, depending on the ages of your guests and the cause you choose.

For our Freedom to Marry Party we chose Muppets From Space because there are no all-age appropriate movies that feature queer families, and that movie is about finding your true self and family. If we had been showing a movie to older kids only, Mrs. Doubtfire or ParaNorman might have worked.

For the $5 there is a movie, and popcorn/cookies/punch/pizza/whatever. You can invite adults to stay or have it be kids only.

After everyone arrives, but before you start the movie, gather the kids together and count up all their contributions. Talk with them about why we contribute, what the organization or cause will use this money for, and other things they can do to help. If you can really do it up, get a volunteer from your organization to come by and collect the donation and talk to the kids about how they have made a difference. Or have them all sign a card that can be sent in. If you mail a card, make sure to include a return address and the kids will likely get a thank you card back!


Keep your explanation simple and silly and use lots of accessible examples. Don't give the kids a lecture about the cause. Encourage them to ask questions. We got lots of laughs when we imagined Toddler-Bug and his Toddler-Friend as grown-ups who wanted to get married. It was a giggle fest and the kids understood that these two baby boys should have the same rights as a baby boy and baby girl.

Let them go watch the movie. Adults can hang out, chat, and enjoy a social hour.

It's lots of fun – all the good feelings of a party plus you know you are putting good into the world with dollars and educating children to do good in the world as they grow. So while the movie plays, you can kick back and lift your drink to yourself.

And enjoy some cookies.


I understand that Freedome to Marry may not be a cause you can support and I respect your opinion. Please keep your comments respectful and peacemaking. Comments I judge to be mean-spirited will be deleted.



Link Round-Up: Gender & Children

One of the things I found myself exploring a lot in the past year was the question of gender and children. I've written a few posts on this blog about Brother-Bug's adventures with gender. I've read a lot of blogs and articles about children and gender.

This post is a collection of some of my favorite pieces, and links to the relevant gender-related pieces on this blog. I'm putting this out there, encouraging you to read these pieces, because one of the biggest challenges of raising a gender-non-conforming person is that not enough people are learning about and talking about and thinking about how to support our fabulous children. There are still far too many people in this world who are okay with girls in pants and deeply uncomfortable with a boy in a skirt. Let's change that.

Links to Other's Writing

My Son's Christmas Dress

This Dad's Superhero Cape is a Skirt

Gender Stereotypes That Used to be The Complete Opposite

What's So Bad About a Boy in a Dress?

What Happens When We Don't Teach Our Boys About Sex?

How To Be a Prince

My Son Wants to Wear a Dress & the follow-up My Son Wore a Dress

Links to My Writings

Mama to a Dressy Boy

Actually… (This was my first post about my dressy boy, before I knew that a boy Ina dress could become “a thing”).

First Encounters with Bullies

What Our Little Boys Are Made Of

Princess Power


Our Election Day

If you've been reading for the last couple of months, you know that Elections matter in our house. We get really interested in them. Papa-Bug is a former Political Science major and at some point his interest and enthusiasm for political things rubbed off on me. Now we are rubbing that passion into our kids.

Brother-Bug looking over a ballot during breakfast.

Election day dawns. We live in a Vote By Mail state, but our family fills out our ballots on Election Day. We drive to the County Election Office and the kids put the ballots in the ballot box.

Dropping our ballots - Sister-Bug is still in her Halloween costume...


At 9 days old, this was Baby-Bug's first trip into the outside world. He wore an Obama button on his tiny hat and slept through the whole thing.

After we vote we go out for brunch. Papa-Bug wears a stars-and-stripes tie. We listen to John Philip Sousa. We talk with the kids about how lucky we are to live in a time and place where voting is a right and privilege. We talk about how this was not always the case for everyone.

In our homeschooling, Election Day has had lots of different projects. We've learned vocabulary, geography, and lots of math. Brother-Bug adores the Electoral Map apps on the iPad and will sit up if he can't sleep, making predictions, reading op-ed pieces, and contemplating past electoral maps. He figured out point spread himself and talked rationally about if Hurricane Sandy would effect the election and did we think it might give Obama “a little bump”. Truly. The child's brain seems to be built for this.

So we made him an election. I solicited participants from my Facebook friends. Each “voter” was to send in a ballot (self-written) voting for their favorite of three candies – Halloween bringing candy to the forefront of our consciousness recently. Ballots were mailed in. We collected them in a ballot box we made. Yesterday, while Papa-Bug and I waited tensely for polls to close, we opened our candy ballots and counted them.

Counting ballots and tallying votes.

We counted each stack and made a simple bar graph to chart our progress.We gave Brother-Bug colored tiles in three colors and he made a stack for each kind of candy. We were voting between Skittles, Candy Corn, and M&Ms, each voter casting one ballot for their favorite.

Making the bar graph.


It was a tight race. We almost had to recount, but in the end, M&Ms pulled out a narrow one vote victory.

It was a really fun project (and nicely diverting for tense parents). I think that it got the idea of voting and how that works in an effective way. A few ballots are still in the mail, so the lesson will go on as we talk about what happens if you don't vote on time!

But that was a prelude to Election Night. We ordered pizza and got root beer (a rare treat for our kids). We watched PBS, the live maps on Politico, Facebook, and Twitter. Brother-Bug had his own US map to color as states were called for each candidate. At first, as the certain and easy-to-count states were called and the middle of his map turned red, my little Democrat's ire began to rise. But we showed him the swing states and gave him a list of those to track which made him feel better. He celebrated hugely with each new blue state and enthusiastically swigged his root beer.

Oklahoma goes red. Not surprising, but still a little disappointing to Brother-Bug.

Sister-Bug and I dozed off earlier than Papa- & Brother-Bug. I raised my lids for Obama's acceptance speech, but Brother-Bug was awake for the whole thing. He used his blue marker to write VOTE up and down his arm. When President Obama thanked the volunteers and anyone else who helped in the campaign, Brother-Bug glowed with pride because of the $9 he donated.


I am deeply glad for many reasons this morning; there are more women in Congress than ever before; we have a President I believe will do the best job possible; local elections went well for my wishes. And most importantly Marriage Equality passed in three states and Minnesota defeated a definition of marriage measure,

And I am so glad that my little guy had such an empowering experience. Our system of democracy may have deep fissures and flaws, but it is by participation that we can make a difference. And people who feel good, who feel empowered, are more likely to raise their voice, or fill out a ballot, and make the changes happen. I'm deeply happy that Brother-Bug is joining the ranks of empowered citizens.


Go Vote!

I've posted a couple of times about Brother-Bug's gender flexibility. I don't have any idea where and when he might discover his orientation, and how these adventures might manifest as a part of his life. I don't know if he will date girls, boys, or both…though recently he did wistfully remark that he wanted to dress up like Elton John…

I care about his orientation the same way I care about his eventual career or vocation. I want him to be fulfilled and happy and feel whole in his decisions. I want him to be a good person and do something that makes the world more beautiful. I want him to know the amazing love that comes when you find someone you want to share your world with, the way I love his Papa-Bug, and I want him to have a family if he wants to go down that road.

Tomorrow is Election Day. Tomorrow we follow my son's instructional photo and




I didn't think I would feel so strongly about the issue of marriage equality, but then I read this article. And I realized that my vote, and your vote, is about whether or not my son might someday be a second class citizen. Will we vote in the President who wants my son to have the same rights as his Papa and I have regardless of the person he is? Or will we make the decision to tell our LGBTQ friends and family, and possibly Brother-Bug, that they don't deserve the same rights as the rest of us?

There are lots of reasons to vote, and specifically to vote for Barak Obama. But this is my issue this year. I want to go to my friends' wedding…and someday I hope to go to my son's wedding regardless of who he loves and wants to marry.

Another group of kids who will be affected by this election? Kids who are in families who are denied the right to marriage. Read this letter from a ten-year old to President Obama, then read this piece that contains the President's response. How can anyone not support this child's family and the love inherent in it?

So go get your ballot. Vote for equality. Vote for our children's future, especially our queer children. Please.


Want more reasons and voting inspiration? Read this, by Papa-Bug!


Mitt’s Binders

I don't write about politics often. I want this blog to be a politically neutral place. Sometimes, though, the political touches my life in a way that I do want to share. After all, you know we must be a political family, what with our debate jelly beans and all.

A couple months ago I wrote about Mitt Romney's quote regarding the “dignity of work”, which I found deeply offensive. Today the Internet is on fire with binders full of women. But if we dig beyond the hilarity of women, three-hole punchers, and binders, the content of Romney's answers regarding women were deeply disturbing.

First let's consider the simple fact that a longtime CEO and elected official didn't seem to have any idea where he might find a qualified woman so he had to “ask” special interest groups; women's special interest groups. Even though women are disproportionately under represented in the upper echelons of business and government, I find it hard to believe that Romney hadn't found one or two qualified women in or near his circle in 25 years. I'm a stay-at-home parent and I know that men are disproportionately under represented in my field and I certainly spend more time chatting with moms than dads, but after a mere six years I have run across a handful of stay-at-home dads… Thank goodness Romney had those binders full of women.

But…it seems like he didn't ask for the binders. They were offered to him.

More subtly, I found Romney's tone with Candy Crowly (the moderator), to be less respectful than his tone with President Obama or Jim Lehrer. He was more likely to interrupt her and to continue interrupting her. He was more dismissive of the things she said. Also, when I scanned the transcript, it seemed to me that he gave less direct answers to the women's questions. He was more likely to ignore what they said, slide around it, and do the classic debate pivot to what he wanted to talk about when being questioned by a woman.

Amanda Marcotte has a wonderful short piece about Mitt and women here.

But let's look at the section on pay-equity. Mitt Romney said:

My chief of staff, for instance, had two kids that were still in school. She said, I can't be here until 7 or 8 o'clock at night. I need to be able to get home at 5 o'clock so I can be there for making dinner for my kids and being with them when they get home from school. So we said fine. Let's have a flexible schedule so you can have hours that work for you.


That looks good right? Nice and supportive. Except… Between the lines. Of course she should go home early and cook for her husband and kids because that is what women do. It's where they truly belong and everything should be done to help them be there. I believe in flexible schedules and I certainly think that the American workplace puts too much stress on getting the job done and ever increasing hours and not enough focus on balanced work and family time. I just wonder how Romney would have responded to a male chief of staff with the same request…

So that's not so great, in my eyes. It looks okay, but if you contemplate both his binders of women and his slippery non-answer on pay equity you can see easily extrapolate that Romney doesn't see women as qualified as men in the work place. Better to get them home so they can cook dinner…and if they have those flexible benefits they don't deserve to make as much as a male counterpart, right?

There's one more here that I think deserves attention:

…in the economy I'm going to bring to play, that are going to be so anxious to get good workers they're going to be anxious to hire women.


Why women specifically? Because the magical Mitt economy will be just so darn good that all the men will be employed and employers will be so desperate for more employees that they will be willing to settle on women? Even though we are, apparently, only 72% as qualified as men? I missed this statement on my first run through the debate. It was last night, re-watching it with the kids, that this part of the answer leapt out at me. Watching I noticed that even the way Romney's body language seems to show how little he regards women as truly valid members of his society.

What about his answer on gun violence and banning assault weapons? Romney said:

We need moms and dads, helping to raise kids. Wherever possible the — the benefit of having two parents in the home, and that's not always possible. A lot of great single moms, single dads. But gosh to tell our kids that before they have babies, they ought to think about getting married to someone, that's a great idea.

And again, this looks good at the initial overview. I do think we need better supports in place to get parents good, quality time with their kids, and we know that kids with involved parents tend to do better in the long run. But to lay the burden of gun violence at the feet of single parents is insane – especially since several notable shooters (Aurora for a recent example) are from homes with married parents. Where are all these disgruntled children of single parents slinging their assault weapons through the mall?

You can read a great piece about Romney and gun violence here.

We know that single parents tend to be (again) disproportionally moms. I'm not negating the single dads out there, but I bet Romney was actually trying to evoke the image of single, teenage, “welfare” moms. Let's get those girls married! Let's slip around this issue of banning assault rifles and focus on getting those pesky, drive-by causing, single moms under control. Never mind that he wants to evisscerate Planned Parenthood and our rights to abortion – programs that prevent single parenthood – as well as the social programs that keep single moms able to give loving care to their families.

Romney's position on birth control and abortion is scary.

And every woman should make sure she knows what is really going on, not what he says.

Mitt Romney has binders full of women, or so he claims. And I think that if we tweak that silly comment just a little bit, we arrive at the real truth. Mitt Romney has binders for women. He wants to limit my access to health care for my reproductive system. He wants me to find a magical balance between being a productive member of employed society (provided I can find someone anxious to hire me) and keeping that husband fed and children appropriately cared for.

Romeny's positions on issues that directly affect women are hard to pin down. Should we have the dignity of work? Or aren't we qualified? Should we be staying home with our kids so they don't go shooting up the public or should we get our butts to the office (as long as we are home to cook dinner, of course)? I'm confused.

What I'm not confused about is who will be the better President for the women who live, work, and love in this great country of ours. It's not Mitt Romney.


Fact checking fun at Forbes Facts

I used this transcript to make sure I was hearing Romney and quoting him correctly.